Today I made a big decision. A big, illogical, completely unreasonable decision. I ignored all the facts and went with a gut feeling.
My husband has been off work for 5 weeks now. The good news is that he does not have cancer. The bad news is that he needs another operation, and Workers Compensation are no longer covering his wages, so we are facing weeks, possibly months, with no income. I really have no idea how we are going to pay our mortgage, or the rest of our bills.
So you would think I would jump at the chance, when I got offered a job today.
It was a job in finance. I've worked in finance before, and spent several years studying accounting.
But I just couldn't do it.
I turned it down.
My husband is not exactly beside himself with joy over this turn of events. My husband, who lives by the motto of "Enjoy today - Tomorrow will take care of itself". Meanwhile, I've finished worrying about tomorrow, I'm already working out next years budget! You get the picture. He's the relaxed one, I'm the responsible one. I once planned on becoming an accountant, for goodness sake! (Albeit, the world's first un-boring accountant...)
This year, I finally realised my "calling" in life, and for months now, I've been carrying around this dream inside me. Sometimes when I think about it, I feel my spirit rise up, but then my brain reminds me how we cannot afford it, and it will just have to wait until another day.
I'm going to tell you the dream I have for my life.
It involves three things. The first thing is to be a healer. To study herbal medicine and kinesiology. I hope to work from home, maybe in the evenings, and if I'm able, someday, I'd like to do it free of charge.
A month ago, I sent away for the forms to start studying from home, but I haven't done anything else, because "we can't afford it".
The second thing is that I want to be a foster mother. I have dreamed of doing this, ever since I was a young girl. To be at home with my children, and to open our home to other children, and love them and include them in our family.
I would like to wait until my sons are a little bit older before I embark on this part of the dream...Maybe another year.
And the third thing is to start my own website, that will include a blog, (and possibly an online store for people who want to be the best they can be, and live courageously, and joyfully no matter what their circumstance. Kind of like a Steve Pavlina blog, but without the atheism, polyamory, and some of the other wiffly-waffly stuff. 'Cos you know, I'm just not a wiffly-waffly kind of person
No offense, Steve, I've learnt some fantastic stuff on your site, but if my husband decided to pursue polyamory as an "outlet for authentic self-expression" then it's going to be less about communing with my higher self, and more about me whacking him over the head with a frying pan, and flushing his clothes down the toilet...
Ahem....peace and non-violence to you all, folks...
Now...where was I?
Yes. The dream. The dream has been bubbling up inside me, and I've been quashing it, not because I don't really, really want it to come true, but because I just could not figure out a way to make it come true. At least not now. Or anytime soon.
But the thing is, next year, there'll be another crises. Some other reason why I can't begin. Meanwhile, I'll be another face in the crowd, or stuck in traffic, counting down to the weekend, and working in a job that I don't believe in.
I want to believe, passionately and completely, in what I'm doing. So, I'm closing my eyes and taking a massive, gigantic leap of faith. I'm going after my dream, even though we've never been less able to afford it than right now. Call me irresponsible. Crazy. But I'm trusting that I'll land exactly where I'm meant to.
I'm have to trust that if God put the dream in me, then He'll find a way to make it happen.
But if I do happen to go missing in action, you'll know that I can't afford to pay my internet bill...