What's Happening In My Life (September Update)

I know! I’ve been completely slack and haven’t written an update for a couple of months.

Actually, there's a reason for that. There's been big changes in my life and some of them I’ve struggled to deal with. I was trying to process all the changes and didn’t feel ready to share them with the world.

Back in June, I separated from my husband. Since then, I’ve basically been clinging for dear life to a roller-coaster of emotions, ranging from guilt and worry and fear and hope, and every emotion in-between. I will write more about how I came to the decision to leave my marriage, and how I’ve dealt with the aftermath, in a future post. 

The decision to separate from my husband means that the (unfinished) house, the car and all our supplies will belong to him. I’m basically starting again from scratch. I knew this when I left, and I’m okay with it. Really I am! I don’t want that house, or that car, anymore.

I just want to be at peace.

After two months of worry about how my husband was coping with the separation, dreading every phone call and 3am text, I gradually began to turn my thoughts to the future.

What now, I began to wonder?

I knew the rational thing would be to try and go back to Australia with the children, where I would have financial and family support. But in my heart, I knew that my calling was in Tonga, and somehow, I just couldn’t bring myself to let go of that old dream of running a health food business in Tonga. 

As my little bit of savings and income dribbled to a tiny trickle, my only goal became to feed my children. When our gas ran out and we couldn’t afford to re-fill it, we simply built a little fire in the backyard and cooked over the open fire. When my one pair of thongs (flip-flops) broke, I just went barefoot.

And you know what? I honestly didn’t care! I did not care that I had to make a fire to cook with, or that I had no shoes. I didn’t care that my tiny budget no longer covered luxuries like cheese or apples. I was just grateful that my children had something to eat, even if it was only bread and tea.

(This site went for weeks at a time without an update, because I couldn't afford to have internet.)

It’s amazing how your priorities change when you’re faced with a survival situation.

One sunny morning, while sitting in the backyard, an idea began to take hold in my mind. I would go back to Australia and work to save up and start my business again. My husband had already informed me that he planned to take the children back to live with him. I was determined that our children would not feel trapped in the middle of a war zone, so I didn’t try to resist or argue. 

Instead, I decided to use it as an opportunity to work and save up money so that I might have a chance of supporting them properly in the future. I also knew that, given enough time, my husband would come around to a more a reasonable frame of mind, and we could negotiate an agreement where we could both be part of their lives.

An unexpected tax payment gave me the money I needed for a ticket, so I said goodbye to my babies and headed back to Oz. I arrived last week and have come to stay with my mum and dad. I’ve already picked up a casual job in the bistro of the local RSL club, and helped out on the family farm. 

 I have three goals to save up for: 

  

1. To buy a car to use once I get back to Tonga (just an old one that gets me “from A to B").

      2. To buy tickets for my children to come and visit for the summer. It will be two years since they’ve seen their Aussie grandparents, aunties and uncles and cousins.

3. To start my health food business again.

All of this while also sending money back to Tonga every week, to help with food/clothing etc for my three children.

It’s a tall order, I know, yet I’m confident it can be done. With the wheat harvest coming up, and then summer fruit-picking on offer, there will be plenty of work around for someone whose willing to work hard and “have a go”…

I’ve been able to speak to my children a couple of times a week. Actually, I try not to think about them too much or it would become unbearable. I remind myself that they’re being well-loved and cared for, by their dad and nanna and aunties and uncles. I also remind myself that I’m here working so that I can have a chance of supporting them in the future and having them back with me again. 

What good could possibly come of it, to sit and mope, or torment myself with “what if” and “I should have…”? 

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Results Of My First 7-Day Fast

Recently I shared that I've been fasting every Monday, for the last two years. 

My last fasting day started out like every other fasting day, but then things began to get interesting. Some unresolved emotional issues starting coming to the surface, and so I simply decided to carry on with my fast, to see if I could gain clarity on the issue.

Day 1. Starts out okay, but for some reason today's fast seems more difficult than usual. I have cravings for food and I feel a bit ache-y and yucky. I put it down to all the wrong foods I've been eating lately. (Lollies and crisps, things I make an effort to avoid wherever possible). Maybe my body has more cleansing to do than usual...

I manage to resist the cravings for food and, by evening, I have some really strong emotions coming to the surface. This issue is something that I've struggled with for 2 years and remains unresolved because I've postponed making a decision either way. 

I just try to stay gentle with myself, but the emotional issues that fill my mind means my appetite disappears completely, so I make a spur-of-the-moment decision to carry on and do a 3-day fast, with the option of carrying on for 7 days if I'm feeling okay.

Day 2. Wow. So much emotional "stuff" happening today. Full of emotions, so don't feel like eating at all. Otherwise feeling fine, except for a really dry mouth. I just continue to keep up my water intake.

Day 3. Not feeling quite so emotionally charged today, but finally feeling like I'm starting to gain some kind of clarity as to the way forward on this issue that has troubled me for so long. In the past, this issue would come up, I would examine it and be afraid of what it would mean for me and my life, and then I would just shove it away again and try to carry on with life. But not this time...

Feeling really good, energy levels are high despite only having about 3 hours sleep the night before (due to a busy mind and several other circumstances conspiring to keep me awake most of the night). Still no appetite or desire to eat. I'm easily able to prepare the food for my children and don't feel the slightest bit tempted to eat some.

Day 4. Not feeling so good today. Had a poor nights sleep, for several reasons, one being two sick children. Get up feeling kind of ache-y in my back and joints, a few random pains here and there, energy levels are  low and feel quite irritable. Not sure how much of this can be attributed to my fasting, and how much to my lack of sleep the last couple of nights.

My stomach feels really "empty" (well, of course!) and starts grumbling loudly around mid-morning but I don't physically feel like eating any food. 

Emotionally, I'm becoming more and more convinced of what I need to do. It's big and scary and terrifying, but I know it's the right thing for me.

Day 5. Woke up feeling completely lousy. I'm still sleeping poorly - not sure if it's my fasting, or just my over-active brain trying to process the momentous decision I've made. I had maybe 3-4 fitful hours of sleep last night. All of me feels heavy and my joints ache and my back hurts.

When I was pregnant with my third child, I developed a patch of varicose veins at the front of my lower calf, right on the shinbone. They seemingly developed overnight. After I gave birth, they improved and are now barely visible. For some reason they are aching constantly today. 

Unfortunately, today also coincides with the day when pouring the foundation of our new house happens. From the early morning, I'm driving here and there, picking up people, organizing food for the workers, filling up big drums of water and carting them to the bush (used for mixing cement). My daughter is also feeling off, and just wants me to carry her everywhere. 

The busy-ness turns out to be a blessing in disguise, since I don't have any time whatsoever to focus on my aches and pains. I simply get on with it. Some time around mid-morning, while waiting for another water drum to be filled, I sneak away and manage to doze off for 20 minutes or so. It seems to keep me going the rest of the day.

Day 6. Feeling much better today, but I have a definite "scratch" in my throat. I had expected cold or flu-like symptoms at some point. I find myself marvelling that I have managed to go six whole days without eating food. I'm quite proud of myself. 

As my anticipation levels rise, I find myself obsessing over food. I spend the afternoon, lying on my bed reading recipe books! Surprisingly, I even find myself thinking longingly about eating some...(gasp!)...meat! Yes, for some reason, I can't stop fantasizing about a big hearty casserole with vegetables and sausages!

Day 7. I'm still thinking about food. With meat in it. And if I'm not thinking about food, I'm thinking about how to go forward with this big, frightening decision I've made. So much to think about and consider!

My scratchy throat has definitely turned into a sore throat. My nose is running too. Yay, my first "cold" (aka healing response) in years!

Day 8. I'm in two minds over whether I should continue my fast until the "cold" symptoms have cleared up, but my eagerness to eat over-rules that thought, and I eat a small finger banana. Very slowly and appreciatively! 

Then I wait.

After another hour or two, I'm feeling fine, apart from a few strange gurgles emitting from my belly. I start to look longingly at the bowl of leftover crackers and tea sitting in the fridge (a popular breakfast food here in Tonga. They're hard crackers covered with a tea made from boiling lime leaves and adding sugar, and eating once the crackers soften and absorb the tea.) I know I shouldn't. It's too soon for my stomach to handle sugar. And wheat. But I eat it anyway. And I feel okay, so then I eat some leftover pasta that I made earlier for the kids.

Within a few hours, my stomach feels like it has a pair of cats fighting, inside it. I make several desperate dashes to the bathroom to unload the contents therein. Oh dear. That didn't go to plan. Make a promise with myself to do better tomorrow. 

Day 9. (Today) Still struggling to get my eating patterns back on track. To be honest, I've always found complete abstinence to be easier than moderation. That's possibly why ending this fast has proven to be more difficult than the actual fast itself! My mind knows I need to be eating lightly, but I find myself longing for carbs and bread. 

I don't own a set of scales, but I can tell that I've lost a few kilos over the course of this week. Not that weight-loss was my intention, since I'm naturally tall and slim, and then slimmed down further after cutting out gluten a couple of months ago.

Apart from one supportive friend, nobody knew that I was fasting. Nobody in my (large) household noticed, not even my own children!! On the days I was feeling "off" they simply assumed I was sick and didn't want to eat. During other times, life was so hectic and things so unorganized with the building work starting, etc that it simply passed under everyone's radar.

But I was glad of that, because I know many people would neither understand or approve of me doing it, and I didn't want to deal with objections or encouragement to eat.

The biggest result of this fast is that I have finally reached a decision - a terrifying, life-changing decision - that I've put off making for two years or more. I don't know if this would have happened without the fast. Perhaps I would have started eating again as normal and simply swallowed my disquiet along with it, only to resurface yet again, at a later date.

I'm going to continue my weekly 36 hour fasting, with a mind to do a longer 7-day fast once per year. I'm interested to find out if my experience would be different if my circumstances were different. This fast happened to coincide with several other things happening in my life which took up a lot of energy and head-space and didn't leave much time for introspection or reflection. I'm definitely interested in exploring the more spiritual aspects of fasting.

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What's Happening In My Life (May Update)

Wow, the year is flying by! The past month has offered plenty of challenges, but also been rich with blessings and opportunities to grow.

I caught a glimpse of heaven, had a moment of weakness and ate gluten (then paid the price), and received exciting news about how I'd helped change another person's life.

The long hot Summer finally succumbed to sublime autumn weather. Warm, sunny days, and nights that are just perfect for putting a blanket on but leaving all the windows open and allowing the ocean breezes to drift in...

Looking back over the last month, there's a couple of main issues that have occupied my thoughts and my time...

House-Building (Or Lack Thereof): Our house-building still hasn't got underway. The major reason being that the builder (my husband's brother) simply doesn't seem overly keen to get started. Despite my polite questions about the progress being made, I seem to get procrastination and broken promises in return.

We already have the gravel, sand and bricks sitting on site, waiting to start, but apparently the builder still needs to make something with the metal rods before they can start properly. 

Although I've had moments of intense frustration, that is not the overwhelming emotion at this point. Mostly, I feel troubled and wonder if perhaps there's a divine reason for the constant hold-ups? Perhaps we are simply not meant to be building our house in that particular location. 

To be honest, we had some misgivings when we were first gifted this land, but decided to go ahead because it seemed our only option...but perhaps that was just our impatience talking?

So rather than continue trying to exert my own will (as is my usual fashion), I'm simply stepping back at this moment to ponder and seek guidance from above.

(Wow. God was listening! As I was writing this article, I had a phone call from my husband with good news. He finally got a full-time job in Canberra, Australia, which pays excellent, and we'll now have the money to hire a contract building team so we no longer have to rely solely on his brother. )

Met Someone Extraordinary: Within the last month, I became friends with the most extraordinary person I've ever met. This young man's faith, and compassion for others, just blows me away. In the short time I've known him, I've learnt so much from him, but in the beginning I resisted...

He's younger than me (in his mid-20's), I secretly felt it should be ME imparting wisdom and life-lessons to HIM. Then I realized that was just my ego talking and every person has important things to teach us - no matter their number of years, level of IQ or position of employment. That was a humbling, but necessary, realization.

This guy is a mechanic, an absolute master of his trade, yet he's had no formal training and holds no qualifications. But if you put anything mechanical in front of him, he can fix it. Wow, what a gift! When he sees someone broken down by the side of the road, he stops and offers to help. Within 15 minutes, he's got their car going again, refuses any suggestion of payment, then jumps into his van and carries on to his next job. This happens daily, sometimes more than once a day.

Many of the people calling him for help don't have money to pay him. But he doesn't complain, he just smiles and does the job.When he does get paid for his work, he takes the money home and gives it to his mother or sisters, to buy food for the family.

It may be easy for you and I to make excuses as to why we can't all live like this. We might think, "Well, I bet he wouldn't do that if he was married with children." but perhaps we're just trying to make justifications for our own limiting beliefs and scarcity mindset? 

Because of his helpful, caring nature, he has an army of people who want to help him. He regularly has people send him phone credit, or turn up to his house with food or homegrown produce. 

One day, he stopped to help a woman whose car was broken down beside the road. When her car was running again, he refused her offer of payment, and then he and his friend proceeded to a nearby cafe for coffee (that was all they could afford), but while they were there, the waitress bought them both a big plate of food, and explained that a woman (the one whose car had just been fixed) had come in and paid for it. When they got up to leave, the waitress handed him $100, also from the same lady who paid for their food. He promptly handed the money to his friend to put fuel in the car.

This young man happily gives away his time and talents and money, because he just knows that he'll be taken care of. Wow...how's that for faith? Witnessing his faith has had a profound impact on me, and really put a spotlight on my own lack of faith. This guy invites others to become better people simply by his presence, and I thank God that I have the privilege of knowing, and learning from him.

Rumors And Lies: For more than a year now, we've had a young man living with us - Kimi. He's 20 years old, and a cousin of my husband. From the beginning, my husband and I loved and trusted this boy. He was always ready to help out, and never tried to lie or steal from us, even though we let him inside our room and left him alone with our belongings and money.(This made a big impression on us, because the Tongan idea of "stealing" is rather different from the one I grew up with. "Borrowing" and "lending" without asking are often overlooked and excused.)

In return for his help, we looked after him - cooked meals for him, gave him credit for his phone, and drove him home to his village on Saturday nights so he could spend Sunday with his family.

When my husband left to go and work in Australia, he told Kimi to help me with anything I needed done. When we cleared the undergrowth and cut down the coconuts, Kimi was there to do it. When I went to town to do shopping, Kimi came and helped look after the kids and carry the groceries. When we had to go and collect water from the tanks, Kimi came to carry the buckets.

I was so grateful for his help. I came to rely on him but I also enjoyed his friendship and our light-hearted joking.

This is a small village, everyone knows everyone, and there's not much excitement to distract people, so I guess it was only a matter of time before people starting whispering things behind our backs. But still, when the rumors of an affair reached my ears, I was hurt that people would make up such utter lies about me. One Sunday night, Kimi rang and said he wouldn't be coming to stay anymore, that he was sorry, but it was causing problems in the family and in our village.

My husband was upset on my behalf and offered to speak to his family (who were also involved in the rumors). I was so tempted to just let him take care of it, since I hate confrontation of any kind, but I knew this was my chance to face up to the issue with dignity and honesty.

I called my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law into our room and I explained everything to them - that I knew about the rumors, that I had spoken with my husband about it, that my husband had arranged for Kimi to be my helper while he was away, and that I loved this boy like a brother...We discussed the issue out in the open. What a relief! I felt so good about being proactive and dealing with the issue head-on, rather than skirting around it and hoping it would go away.

I walked away, free from resentment or anger at the way other people chose to behave. I simply felt good about the way I had handled the situation and kept my integrity intact. People can say what they want, I have done what I thought was right.

Kimi and I are still great mates. He comes to see us sometimes, but doesn't stay here anymore. When our house-building gets underway proper, he'll come each day to help the building team.

My husband and I plan that when our house is built, he will come and live with us.

And now, before I love you and leave you...here's a pic I took recently that pretty much sums up village life in Tonga. Kids have come home from school, starving hungry. Someone climbed the neighbour's orange tree and threw a heap of them down, and now they're sitting on the road eating enough oranges to keep their bowels moving along nicely. (What can I say? I'm a mum and a health nut, we think about this kind of stuff...)

 Until next time,

Blessings x

What's Happening in My Life (April Update)

It occurred to me recently, that many readers of this blog are either friends, friends of friends, or people I’ve met through online forums. These people are still interested in hearing what’s going on in my life, so I’ve decided to start a monthly update to satisfy your curiosity..!

A little background to my life, for the newer readers: In 2011, just before the birth of our third child, we sold our home in Canberra, Australia, got rid of most of our possessions, and put the rest into a 3x3m storage unit. When our daughter was just 11 weeks old, we moved across the ocean to my husband’s country of birth – the Kingdom of Tonga.

It was meant to be a year of exploration, challenge and growth, before returning to our comfortable lives in Australia. 

More than 2 years later, we’re still here! During this time, our family of 5 has been living in one bedroom of my mother-in-law’s home. (More about the poverty and paradise of everyday island life here.) At some point, we dreamed up this crazy idea of shipping a container of building supplies over, and building our own home, amongst the coconut trees and taro plantations.

We spent the summer of 2012 in Australia, and after months of sourcing all the supplies ourselves, going to auctions and warehouses, scouring the classifieds and driving from one end of Sydney to the other, we finally had our building materials. Then we began the herculean effort of loading the 40-foot container. My husband and I spent days, and one entire night getting it finished. I thought the hardest part was over. Ha! I often think it’s a merciful thing we can’t see into the future, or we’d be overwhelmed at the enormity of what is still in front of us.  

The container arrived, but we still had no land, despite a promise from the village chief. So we busied ourselves setting up Tonga’s first ever health food business – I’m not one to just sit around and wait. Must be the Capricorn in me! After a year of waiting for land, an uncle offered us a piece of land on his bush plantation, which we gratefully accepted.

The exorbitant rent we were paying for the shop, eventually drained all our savings and we sadly closed down our shop, but continued selling our products from home to a few loyal customers. 

Our income had reduced to an occasional dribble. We managed to scrape by with money my husband was given for taking people’s produce to market, or picking up people from the wharf. Somehow, he became an unofficial courier service, because we have reliable transport (we shipped a 4x4 ute over with the building supplies) in a village where most people don’t have any transport (except their own two feet!). 

We knew that we would never be able to get our house built on such a tiny income, so in February, my husband flew to Australia to work for a few months. The children and I stayed here with his family.

Since he left, I’ve realized that the presence of a husband shielded me from some of the realities of island life.

When people wanted something (which is often), they would come and ask my husband, but now they come and ask me. Where my husband would have dealt with any differences or the inevitable issues that come up when three families are living in one house together, now it’s up to me.

It so happens that I am terrible at saying “no” and I’m terrible at confronting confrontation! I’ve struggled often, and yet I recognize that this experience is an opportunity for me to address some of the things that challenge me, such as learning to say “no” sometimes, and how to resolve conflict respectfully, rather than sweeping it under the carpet where it festers into resentment. 

When my husband arrived in Australia, he immediately started working at a well-paying job on a construction site. Our spirits were high. We would get started on the house, and he’d be home again in no time. 

Then began a series of setbacks, specifically designed to test my patience, I believe! 

The bulldozer we hired to clear the land finally turned up, but only did a fraction of the job (kept the $200 we paid, though). I was expecting to arrive and find a newly cleared patch of ground, with all the coconut trees and undergrowth pushed to the side. It was a rather unpleasant surprise to find only some of the trees had been pushed over, left right where they fell, and the undergrowth untouched.

The builder (my husband’s brother) attempted to get them back and finish the job. They said they would, but never showed. We decided to just get on and do it ourselves, which set us back several weeks.

That was followed by an entire week of torrential downpour, where the schools closed down and we were all stuck inside our bedroom for a week, getting on each others nerves.

When the rain finally cleared, we began the slow, arduous task of cutting up the coconut with a chainsaw and shifting the wood out of the road. Coconut wood is extremely hard wood, and HEAVY. We had to use our 4x4 to tow away sections of the trees. That was followed by more rain, so work came to a halt again. 

Then, some of the village youth came with machetes and cleared away the undergrowth. (As you can see, it's cool to show off your undies and boxer shorts here in Tonga...)

...which was immediately followed by news that the village chief had put out a decree that only one home was allowed per bush allotment (ours would be the second). So, my mother-in-law and I dressed in our Sunday best and went to see the village chief (who also happens to be the Prime Minister of Tonga).

One of the things I love about Tonga, is that the Prime Minister lives in a nondescript house, on an ordinary suburban street and people can go to his house and talk to him. So, that’s what we did! I baked a banana cake, since the custom is to take gifts when visiting an “important” person. 

When we arrived, he was standing out front of his house, talking on the phone. We waited, and when he finished, he turned to us. He was dressed in T-shirt and shorts, about to go and play tennis. My mother-in-law told him about our situation, and he immediately gave his permission for us to go ahead with our building plans. I hadn’t even whipped out my banana cake! Elatedly, we drove away (with our banana cake) and everybody ate it for supper (except me, because I’m now gluten-free. More on that later. )

That was immediately followed by more rain, which brings us to today. When the skies clear, we’re back on the chainsaw again, to try and cut down another five coconut trees which are growing too close to where the house will be built. These trees were meant to be removed by the bulldozer, too…

Meanwhile, my husband’s work in Australia has slowed to a day here, another day there.

When I first came to Tonga, I was possibly the world’s most impatient person. With the slow pace of island life, I soon realized that I could either learn patience, or go mad. Obviously, I chose the former :-)

So, while I’ve had moments of intense frustration during the past month or two, I’ve kept my sanity by focusing on the fact that when I finally have my own home again, I’m going to really, REALLY appreciate it, because of these challenges. 

When I get frustrated about the people in this house, with their different ideas on work ethic, cleanliness, personal property, child-rearing and discipline etc…I use it to fuel my determination to carry on, to see this through to completion.

I know I will eventually be in my own home, surrounded by green trees and whispering coconut palms. I see this clearly in my mind, and I conjure up this image whenever faced by another setback. I dreamed up, and drew those plans myself.

In other news, I quit gluten three weeks ago. Quitting sugar was really hard, quitting meat was really easy, but wheat has always been my greatest food addiction. I've known this for a long time. But I'm feeling good and staying strong, after two previous attempts last year. I've been using the rainy days as opportunity to try out new recipes. My absolute favorite so far, is the Cumin & Lime Baked Sweet Potatoes.

If it's possible, they are even nicer when tossed together with shredded lettuce, diced avocado and crumbled feta. Heavenly!!

Coming in a close second is pizza, made with chickpea flour, topped with home-made pizza sauce, onion, basil and cheese. Oh, my!!

The base is made using a recipe called socca. It is kind of sloppy and hard to handle when hot, but if you allow it to cool for 15 - 20 minutes, it becomes much firmer. But seriously, who wants to wait that long for pizza!

Until next time,

Love & Light.

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